Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
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