I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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