this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
