Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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