I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
