you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
