Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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