just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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