She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
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I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
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Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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