hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
