Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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