you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
