So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
