Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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