I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
