I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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