This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
