I just saw a hot homeless man
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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