I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
