The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.