i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
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"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
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He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.