chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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