you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
