Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
