Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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