I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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