I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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