What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
