You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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