NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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