So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
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