I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
