So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
