well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
