I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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