Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
