Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
