So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
