I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
