Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
