im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
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