P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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