She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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