I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
