You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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