I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
