we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
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I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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