Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
