I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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