I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
