If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
