You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
