I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
