Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
