More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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