so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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