my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
