Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
