Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
