I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
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Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
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Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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