brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Alive.
So much puke
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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